Howdy partners and welcome to Weird and Wacky Wednesdays, Cowboy Country Edition.
My name is Prairie Paul (A.K.A.) Paul Doroshenko, and I am your guest host for this here blog post. I got the crops out of the field early so I’ve stepped in to provide you with some wacky cowboy crime stories, and a couple sad tales that you, as my deputies, can help solve. So join me on the ride. We’re going to start with a story about horse theft from right here in Vancouver City.
Oh golly miss dolly
In my day horse theft was a capital crime. But what about stealing horse sculptures?
Well, just the other day a dirty rascal stole a 250 lb horse sculpture from in front of Petley Jones Gallery on Granville Street in Vancouver. Yes sir, he rolled up with a box dolly, slid the sculpture away from the building and hauled it off. Of course, being that these are modern times there is a video of the horse theft. And being that this happened in Vancouver, you may have made the acquaintance with this here thief.
I would encourage you to watch the video. Sculptors put an enormous amount of work into such a piece and it is entirely possible that this thief will try to cut it up and sell it for scrap. I also know that my friend Dolly would be darn right upset to see a dolly used in this manner.
Cattle theft is usually called rustling, and longhorns are usually called longhorns but they weren’t always longhorns. You see, what happened was that a number of Spanish cattle escaped a few hundred years back here in North America, went feral and in a very short period of time they evolved these longhorns for digging and self-defence. The same thing happens to pigs when they escape. Turns out we have a feral pig problem in North America now as they have had in Europe for some time.
I had a problem with feral pigs until I bought myself a Boar Buster. You can learn about them here: https://youtu.be/rsFXhGoDnW0
You might want to run into town and pick one up. But don’t be away too long because as I alluded, there are rustlers out there.
In Mississippi, two young rustlers cut a lock and took a number of cattle in the middle of the night. A few days later they managed to steal four prized show cows. Following an investigation two accused were arrested; one Wyatt Lyn Abbott, 23 and one DeJames Bolden, 24.
I know the Cartwright boys were once wrongly accused of cattle rustling so I think it is best we give these two boys the presumption of innocence while they prepare to face a jury for these apparent crimes.
Churning your own butter
Butter is my favourite thing on fresh bread and fresh potatoes. A woman in Wisconsin came home last week to find an intruder had broken into her house, eaten two tubes of butter and then fallen asleep in her bed, buck naked. She screamed, as one would. He told her to get out so she called the Sherriff and he spent the rest of the night sleeping in a cold cell. That’ll learn him.
Stay off a’ Olaf
Some people have certain predilections and who am I to judge? I ain’t judgmental enough to be a judge, but I do know sexual assault of a stuffed Disney character isn’t right. So when I saw this story of a fellow, who went into a Target store in Florida, found a large Olaf stuffed toy and went on to sexually satisfy himself with it, I figured I should let you all know.
This particular fellow, one Cody Meader, 20, of St. Petersburg, went into the store took a large Olaf stuffed animal from the display, and then did his thing with it. Then he put it back on the shelf. Yuck.
Apparently, after he was arrested the police destroyed the stuffed toy Olaf, which sounds to me like destruction of evidence. They eliminated the DNA that may have exonerated Mr. Meader. Of course, being it was in Target and being that these are modern times, I’m sure there is video that none of us wants to see.
Really? You want to see it? Maybe you have the right stuff to be a judge.
This ain’t no George Foreman Grill
It’s one thing to put a George Forman Grill down the back of your blue jeans when you’re shopping at Walmart and you’re short just a couple of beans. It’s quite another to steal a man’s well-loved tools. When tools are a prized hand-made instrument, it’s all the worse.
I’m speaking here about the guit-steel guitar owned by our colleague in country, Mr. Junior Brown.
Yes. I’m not kidding. Junior Brown’s guit-steel guitar, known as Big Red was stolen from his rental car in the town of North Attleboro, Massachusetts. There is a reward of $3000 so any of my deputies who can manage to secure the return of Big Red will be paid handsomely.
I’m pretty pissed off about this. I would encourage everyone to spread the news. If this theft and the reward becomes well-known, I’m sure Big Red can be recovered. It’s a bad man who steals another man’s guitar. I’m less worried about justice than I am about the safe return of Big Red.
Here’s a link to the story, which strangely doesn’t have a photo of Big Red. We got the picture from Junior Brown’s twitter.
Junior Brown’s “Big Red” Guit-Steel has been stolen from a tour stop in North Attleboro Massachusetts. Please send out an alert and share as we need to get the word out!!!! They also stole Tanya Rae’s Martin Shenandoah guitar. $2k REWARD! Thank you!https://t.co/DHLsEhEfXO pic.twitter.com/JCOiZ6Bu3o
— Junior Brown (@guitsteel) October 9, 2019
Cowboy Lawyer’s Got a Big Big Heart
Once the crop is in, Cowboy Lawyers like to pick up their guitars and sing. Boxcar Kyla and I are no exception. If you missed our recent release, you came to the right place.
Thanks for your kind hospitality.